Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Single Black Female Seeking Growth

I am 24 years old. I can not believe that I am 24 years old. I can not believe that I am where I am right now. I thought I had a plan for my life. At this point I can not even remember what it was. Life has this funny way of turning everything upside down when you feel like you are finally right side up.

My ducks, though not in a row, are finally back on the ground. Now I am faced with the challenge of figuring out how to line them up. I am afraid to line them up. I am afraid that life will spit in my face yet again. I always try to think of myself as a strong person, and some of my closer friends try to indulge this, but really I'm just a punk.

I don't want to be afraid to go after the things that I want because I may not get them. That is what I'm doing now and the only thing I'm getting is no where. I feel like the last runner in a marathon. Everyone else seems to have everything all figured out. Do they? Or are they just faking it better than I am?

I guess that is really not my concern. I am the only person with whom I should be concerned. That is a lesson I learned recently. I think I spun my tires for so long because I was too busy concentrating on everyone else. That has always been easier for me. As a result, every one around me has gotten the love and attention they need to grow. Meanwhile I am sitting in the shadows battling weeds and fighting for sunlight.

I am trying to address my own stuff. I am trying to nurture myself in hopes that one day I'll grow as tall as the other plants in my garden. I want to feel the sun on my face too.

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Life Without Men

I know what men are after. It took me 24 years to figure it out, but I finally know what men are after. My mother's words haunted me throughout my adolescence.

"Watch out for them, they are only after one thing."

I was sure she meant my body. Now I know.That is not all they want. Even though their primary interest finds sanctuary between my legs, they are not fully satisfied unless they have garnished my spirit as well.

After sex men cannot disappear into the night without taking a spirit along with them. They are not satisfied by sex alone. They are only satisfied after they have relished in the gifts of womanhood and made off with a warmth they are incapable of creating for themselves.

Perhaps my hurt feelings are my fault. Maybe I should try to detach my feelings from the act of sex. I'm laughing as I write this. I am no man. I am a woman. I am passionate, I am sensitive, I am doomed.

I cannot remove my heart from the act of joining my body with another. And, I cannot bear to lose another piece of my spirit. I guess to protect myself, I will have to remove myself from the act completely.

NO MORE SEX! I guess that means no more love as well. Men do not believe in love without sex, only in sex without love.

A Feminist Plot

Love and lust leave me subject to the spells of damaged and damaging men. I worship the concept of LOVE. I revel in the feelings of LOVE. But, most of all, I fear LOVE. Love makes me weak. It leaves my mind, body, and spirit open to the attacks of wanton men.